There comes a time when in order to bloom, (or simply survive!), we have to make a change.
Walk away.
Burn it all down to rebuild.
Quit.
On 25.2.21 I hung up my walkie and closed a chapter of my 20-year career in TV production. The picture below was taken on the set of my last shoot for the production; Glow Up. The irony of the show's title is not lost on me, because I was about to begin the journey of my biggest life glow up to date.
My mission - to commit to bringing you the best version of Recess Living. Producing impactful & engaging events that hold space for you to slow down, recharge and find rest in your recess. To give you time back to reconnect with yourself and with others for active shared rest or reflection.
To say I was excited is an understatement. Though I realised in the days that followed that a huge part of my excitement was coming from was the fact I was FINALLY, able to peel off the armour I had worn for so long whilst working in TV.
I couldn't pinpoint exactly when I had outgrown my armour. It had been clinging claustrophobically to me for the best part of 10 years. I knew I wanted to make a change in my life. My career. But I didn't know how.
So, I buckled down, rouged my lips so when I replied to the inevitable question Hey, how are you? My colleagues would be dazzled by Mac's Ruby Woo lipstick and not realise the despair behind my “fine thanks, you?' autopilot response.
But I wasn't fine.
I was tired.
Tired of the contradictions between my values and my workplace. Tired of working long hours (for someone else) Tired of myself for holding back and not speaking up more about mental health and wellbeing in the workplace. Tired of being frustrated by playing small.
My armour held all that in and I was so excited to take it off. This is it I thought. Freedom, new beginnings. LIGHT.
Now unbeknownst to me, the year that followed was going to be one full of grieving. It's funny how when you let go of something you no longer wanted a part of you still has to mourn it.
That is one of the things no one tells you about change. The grief it brings.
As you mourn;
Losing old parts of you.
The end of former dreams and plans.
The people you lose in the change.
Then comes the guilt you feel.
How can you be sad when you chose to make the change? To let go. To strike the match. After all, quitters don't get to be sad do they?
You don't need to apologise for your feelings. Or hold them down and let them eat quietly away at you as you mask up and put on a brave face. Or bury yourself in the building of something new.
Feel your feelings. Honour the old and honour the new that you're building. Honour yourself and cultivate joy where you can.
That has been the biggest lesson this season of quitting and change has taught me. That and quitters get to mourn. Before they rise.
Sending you love, light and peace lovely. If you're transitioning through a change at the moment here's my gift for you.
Change, whether it was planned or unexpected can be difficult. Beautiful piece of writing, thank you for sharing a little insight into your reflections.